Pregnancy and Grandparents: It isn't always easy!

Grandparents and Baby

Being pregnant can be such a wonderful time but it isn't always easy. One of the challenges that new parents face is family. Often parents can struggle to accept that their child is growing up and that their baby is going to have a baby. This doesn't necessarily mean that they aren't happy about it, but that transition can be difficult.

Until this point, you may not have had to be responsible for another person, and going from that to having to look after a tiny little human overnight can be daunting. We often reach out to our parents for help and support, even advice (at the end of the day, they've been there and done it). This can be a struggle for both you and your parents.

I have always been quite independent. I thought I never needed help from anyone, and thought I could do it. When I found out I was pregnant, I suddenly felt very vulnerable and actually felt like I needed my parents, I suddenly had all this responsibility that I hadn't had before. Yes, I'm married, I have my own house, a job and 2 fur babies (all of which require a great responsibility) but nothing compared to having a little person rely solely on you to help it grow. When you think about it, that's a crazy amount of responsibility that you quickly have thrown upon you.

Family support

My parents have always supported me in what I do and I knew that this wouldn't be any different. However, we did always butt heads when it came to agreeing how to do things. My parents and I, are 3 very different people, throw my husband in the mix and you never know what will happen. When I told them I was pregnant, they were so excited, already making plans and rearranging their full lives around this little jellybean. They already loved them, unconditionally. I, however, needed to be realistic.

When I told my parents I was pregnant, I was still very early (maybe 4/5 weeks). I suffer from PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and had struggled to fall pregnant. I had actually reached the point where I thought it wouldn't happen. So when it did, I was so excited but totally overwhelmed. My anxiety kicked in. I knew that often people with PCOS had a higher chance of miscarriage, so I knew that I would need support if that happened. That's why I decided to tell my parents so early, not because I was so excited that I couldn't wait to tell them (it did play a part), but practical me, knew that if the worst happened my husband, alone, wouldn't be enough to get me through. I needed my mum and dad.

Their excitement and my anxiety frequently clashed. They started telling everyone and I wasn't ready for everyone to know. By 8 weeks, I felt like half of Scotland knew, and for me, that was far too much pressure. For the first time, in quite a while, I scolded my parents. I felt bad, I knew they were just excited and wanted to tell everyone but I felt like they took it too far. That definitely caused a bit of friction for a while. I think I hurt their feelings, but I couldn't handle all that pressure. In my head, every person that they told, was another person who I would have to tell if something went wrong. It was just too much. I felt so guilty but I knew I had to say something.

Since then, I feel like there has been a barrier. I feel like they are scared to overstep again, to the point that they don't want to tell anyone anything. They keep saying: "it's your baby, not ours". I do appreciate them being considerate but at the same time, at what point do they move past that early pregnancy fall out? I want them to be excited and want them to feel like they can show people that they are excited, but I'm worried that this will now be a block for them that they wont get over.

I'm not the most serious person in the world, in fact, I rarely see anything as serious, even if it is. So, when I scolded them, it was still in a light, jokey way. I still explained why I was feeling this way but tried to make light of it, however, I felt like they have held this like a grudge. I'm not entirely sure how to get past it.

Family balancing

I think, when it comes to families, trying to get that balance right is always hard. I know I am lucky, parents want to be involved but don't want to overstep or be overbearing. They know I am stubborn and like to do things my own way (and will do things my own way), they give me the space to do that. I know that they will respect whatever decisions I make when it comes to my child and parenting. They brought me up well enough to know that I will always try to make good decisions and the best decisions in life and for my child. I know I am lucky.

I also know that I will need to set boundaries (although I am very good at that already) and that I will need them to sometimes take a step back. This is why I think that transition from parent to grandparent can be incredibly difficult. Things have changed in the nearly 30 years since I was a baby. Parenting techniques, technology, parenting knowledge and resources. All have changed so much. The things that worked "back then" aren't necessarily going to work now. Grandparents are having to relearn how to look after a baby and trust that they did a good enough job with their child that they will become an excellent parent. It isn't easy having to take a step back.

There are so many different ways to parent now, and no one way is right or wrong. This can be a complete minefield for new grandparents. It can be hard to understand what it all means (it's hard sometimes even for us and parents to understand what it all means). Yes, granted some grandparents don't want to learn; "they know what they are doing" so we should just listen and accept the way they do things. That isn't right either. It is your child, and you raise them how you want to. I think most grandparents will respect that.

However, there is always the grandparent that oversteps or back seat drives (we all know someone who has one); these are the difficult grandparents. They often don't listen to what you want and can even feel like the child if in fact theirs and not their child's child. Boundaries can be hard to set, especially if you don't like to stand up to your parent, however, this is where you need to be a parent first and a child second. You need to look after your baby and make sure that they are being brought up the way you want them to be, so that can sometimes mean, standing up to any pushy grandparents.

Standing up for yourself and your child can definitely cause problems. Even if your parents have the best intentions, it isn't easy when their child tells them off. As children, we are taught not to answer back, so as an adult, when you do, parents might not know how to react. Like my parents, they can feel hurt. Some others can fight back. That struggle of moving from being a child to a parent definitely isn't easy. It's a battle we will always face. How do we become a good parent while still being a good child?

Pregnancy and parenting are absolutely challenges when it comes to families, and we all have them, and they come in many shapes and sizes. There isn't a one-size-fits-all approach to these things, we learn as we go. We are going to make mistakes. We are going to be harsh. We are going to hurt feelings. We are going to snap at them and apologise over and over again. In the end though, we will always turn to them for help. At the end of the day, they raised you and you turned out pretty okay.

Let me know the struggles or challenges that you have faced with family and if/how you resolved them!

Thanks for reading and hopefully you will join me next time!

Shannon xo